I know you've all waited patiently for this year's Christmas quip from me. I am sorry it is a little late.

"Process Server's Lament"
Christmas 2011

It's just days before Christmas and my office is hopp'n
Filing judgments and subpoena's seemingly without stoppin.
There's no room for error, a docket schedule to keep
And miles I must travel before I finally may sleep.

You call me a Grinch, a Scrooge, and verbiage far worse
You look upon me as if I've got leprosy, a plague, or a curse
I'll pull out my heart and box it up on the shelf
Maybe I'll put it back in when I'm all by myself.

This thankless profession I've chosen to undertake
I'm no lackey or cretin or monster or snake
Just for a moment try wearing my shoe
It takes more than street smarts to do what I do

As I move on to the next place on my list
I think to myself if I died right now will I even be missed?
I've been chased down by dogs, stood my ground in the street
But deflecting a shovel I don't wish to repeat

I won't go away, just face this small fact
Until you are served, I'll keep coming back.
Don't answer the door, then I'll serve you at work.
I know that you're thinking I'm some sort of jerk.

You turn up the stereo to drown out my knocking.
Was that a big gun that I just heard cocking?
Can't you look at it from my point of view
I'm a really nice guy, if only you knew.

I can hear you whispering as I wonder on by
There goes attorney so-n-so's black heart-ed guy.
I duck out the door adjusting my mask
tapping my pocket, in it... a flask

Not just at Christmas but all the year long
I wouldn't be here if you hadn't done wrong
I'm cordial to you when I come a calling
Be nice to me and just quit your stalling

Bell ringer's, process server's, yes even the fuzz
We're all someone's father, brother, sister or cuz
Civility they say is the way to salvation
If everyone were nicer, we'd be a much better nation.

So next time you see me, please tell me a joke,
offer a drink, or to light up my smoke.
If you do it with grace and old southern style
I'm sure we'd be friends, if after a while.

So I hope this holiday season finds you all doing well
I already know you wish me strait into hell
Maybe Santa this year will give me a break,
And not send his elves with mallets and stakes.

.
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Stephen SJ Douglass
Annoying the world, one respondent at a time