"Dear Abby" says hire a private investigator.

[Mary Lynn Warner]

DEAR ABBY: I think my husband, "Vinnie," is having an affair.

For the past 11 months, he has refused to have sex with me. He has even called me by another woman's name in his sleep.


Vinnie drives a company car and has picked up a co-worker, "Rita," every morning for the past three years. He says his boss demands that he drive her to and from work.


In the past year when we've been out with his co-workers' friends, they say to me, "Oh, you must be Rita." It makes me feel like a total idiot. Vinnie makes light of this and says I am being insecure and paranoid.


I caught Vinnie in an affair several years ago -- pants down. He said it was because he was drunk. He apologized and stopped drinking, but has recently started imbibing again. I might understand Vinnie wandering if I had let myself go, but I weigh the same as the day we were married. I have been faithful and I serve him a hot meal every night.


Abby, I have invested a lot in our relationship and am reluctant to chuck it all. However, I am at my wit's end and am tempted to let him go and see a lawyer. What's your advice? -- SMELLING THE COFFEE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR SMELLING THE COFFEE:
Perhaps it's time to really get to know the man you married. You need facts instead of innuendo and suspicion. One way to accomplish this would be to hire a private investigator to keep tabs on Vinnie for a month. After that, you'll know whether your marriage is worth saving.

[Mr Jose Bonavich Jr]

Mary,

I just read another "Dear Abby" question where she once again suggested "hiring a private investigator"...not a cheating husband but an absence live-in boyfriend who wouldn't commit to her or their child... :)

You just have to love "Dear Abby" for her insightful advice ;)

[Kathleen Padgett]

Dear Abby helped so many people with her insightful advice, I couldn't agree more. It would be interesting to learn how many people acted upon her advice and how their situations worked out down the road. A private investigator in this case would be a great option, as pictures and other hard evidence could be used in court in certain states that allow "fault" divorces and may prevent the cheater from benefiting during the legal divorce process if their marriage was not worked out between them.

[Mr Jose Bonavich Jr]

Kathleen,

I almost hate to admit it, but if I were engaged to get married, I think I would hire a private investigator to "check out" the groom before the marriage even occurred. After joining the IPIU, I find myself thinking that using a P.I. is the best way to go when getting ready to get married, or if you are having marital problems/divorce. :) Of course by the time I complete my training, I'll be able to do all the background checks myself ;)

[Michele Maconship]

Leisl, I totally agree with you on this, and would in fact, encourage it! We have all been taken in one way or another, but my experience with my ex-husband takes the cake. He claimed, among other things, to be a former Navy Seal, who served three tours of duty in Vietnam. When it all came out in the end, I discovered that he had never even served, and had been dishonorably discharged 10 years after Nam. Apparently he had fled to California in an attempt to evade the draft! Many many lies came out in the end, but it is a sad day when someone who never even went through boot camp claims to be a war hero!

[Kathleen Padgett]

Hi Leisl,

I agree, checking someone's background prior to getting seriously involved is a good idea to protect yourself. That will uncover and expose those who have a history of committing these types of offenses and other dishonest behaviors. Also be aware of inconsistencies in stories as well as demeanors that indicate someone is not being honest. Trust your instincts. It's also a delicate balance to allow yourself to open up and trust someone, without risking too much, especially in the beginning of a new relationship. I also agree that your PI training will heighten your awareness and enlighten you to the types of warning signs to be on the look out for. I hope you never experience being taken for granted to that degree, you deserve better, much better. Take care.

[Kathleen Padgett]

Hi Michele,

That's a heck of a story. Your ex husband must have been desperate for attention and needing to feel important. It's terrible to be deceived like that. Sometimes the lessons we learn come to us the hard way and we grow and develop into a stronger and wiser person because of those experiences.
Now that you are a PI, you'd be able to conduct your own back ground searches and would know from your training and past life experiences what to watch out for. Wishing you happier relationships and a prosperous, happy future. You go girl.

[Michele Maconship]

Thanks so much, Kathie. You are right, as negative as that experience was, I did learn and grow because of things that happened during that time in my life. And I do have two beautiful children from the marriage, so all is not a total loss. . .

I think my experiences have made me all the more determined to be able to help someone else to find out the truth, whatever their situation may be, and whatever they may be searching for.

[Kathleen Padgett]

Thumbs up to your courage, wisdom and determination Michele. I admire and can relate to your desire to help others as well. You're in the right field for that. All the best to you and your family.

[Robert Smith -]

This is a very sad story. I never like to hear about how someone involved in a relationship, married or not, can go and mess things up and cause more problems than needs to be. I hope that what ever is decided to do in this relationship that everything works out ok for her. Unfortunately, a feeling such as infedelity is usually there for a reason and a large precentage of those that have these feelings usually end up being right.

[Byron Burke II]

I have decided that I really like Dear Abby after this free advertisment for P.I.s

[Amanda Monroe]

I have decided that I really like Dear Abby after this free advertisment for P.I.s

Byron,
I'm with you. Who would have guess to have a backer like Dear Abby!

[Patrice-Maria Love]

Thanks for sharinmg this story. Abby did indeed give sound advice to the writer because she really need to know her husband! What better way to obtain this knowledge is through a private investigator who will get to the bottom of any deceit!

[Brandy Gates]

While we all appreciate the business and the publicity, I think that what that woman needs is a divorce lawyer. With that many "tell tale" signs, and the fact that he did it in the past, and tries covering it up by insulting his wife when she asks instead of talking to her and finding out what her suspicions are based on, leads me to believe that the marriage is over. I'd tell her to hire the investigator to get evidence for the divorce hearing so she can take it all!!


Brandy Gates

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"The press says it's charming, sleek and often times witty - not at all unlike myself." C.J. Cregg

[Prem Prasad]

"Hire a Private Investigator"


I do agree with Kathleen Padgett. Thank you so much for your opinion.

[Latisha N Smith]

I totally agree, if you are not sure about someone secret life and suspect they are cheating on you, a private investigator is truly needed. It's something to find out, the sooner the better.

[Petra Post]

Is it dear Abby or dear Ann? just kiddin...

[Victoria S Kinney]

I have Dear Abby for a long time and she has given some great advice. I agree I would hire a private investigator if I had my doubts just to have proof when it comes to the divorce hearing. I too have been burned to and have learned from my experience. If you have a gut feeeling or a woman's intution follow your hunches, check things out, you will give yourself peace of mind.

[Cheryl Gipfel -]

All,

I wished I would of hired a Private Investigator when I was going thru my divorce. I learned many 'sluething' tools to find out what he was up to. Gee, who would of ever thought I just might be getting paid for those 'sluething' tools now! :)

Cheryl

[Daniel Clark]

When i was going through my divorce, I did hire a PI. It did help a little, but not to the extreme that I needed. I new that my ex-wife now was into drugs, but she was very good at hiding it, that is one of the reasons that we got divorced. She did get custody at the time. But as time went on, and when I knew that she was really heavvily into the drugs, i hired another PI, and sure enough i got the information that I needed, and won custody of my now 7 year old son. It was very tramatic for him to live in that lifestyle, but now he is in a wonderful enviroment, and will not have to worry about the lifestyle that his mother had.

Daniel Clark

[Eric Stone]

one thing i've always considered is that a PI usually picks up on the cheater's mistakes. the longer the person has been cheating, the more mistakes the PI will be able to pick up on. Mr. Clark mentioned that it took some time before he was able to get the evidence he needed that his ex was a drug abuser. over time people make mistakes and get lazy, it's human nature. and human nature is a PI's best friend.

Eric Stone

[Viki Hostek]

I've always had a good woman's "intuition" I thought until I just went thru a terrible ordeal with a guy I'd been seeing. I should of at least hired a P.I. because when I listened to my intuition I knew something was wrong. A background check would of helped.It's never wrong to be over cautious when it comes to going into a new relationship.

[Eric Stone]

Viki,
i agree 100%. but don't be too hard on yourself, remember: "20/20 hind site" and "love is blind"; the cards were stacked against you.

i do have a question for you: having been through that situation, would it have been easier if the PI presented you with the facts and just left it at that or would you have wanted them to do more?

Eric

[Viki Hostek]

Hi Eric. I would of wanted the cold ,cruel facts laid out right in front of me.Then it would of been my choice.Do I let this con artist take me to the cleaners or do I bail out?I would of at least had a choice.Then if I made the wrong choice I could of been even harder on myself the I already have been(hee hee). Im doing better now. But I did love that Sunday night movie a couple of weeks ago about the woman who was a P.I. (true story)and had a lot of wives hiring her to catch their cheating husbands.Thats what i'm going to open up.My own P.I. firm right here in the middle of yuppieville. Anyway Welcome aboard!!!!

[Viki Hostek]

Hi Eric.I didn't mean to be so lengthy in my response to you.I hope I didn't put asleep

[Eric Stone]

viki,
i'm happy to hear you've got a target market already. how far away are you from getting your license?
so far i think i'll specialize in surveillance and skip tracing, but i'm not sure. maybe i'll end up working for you one day tracking down and bustin cheaters!

Eric

[Viki Hostek]

Im not sure how far away I am,but I suspect aways.I have a feeling if/when I open my own business is wont be hunting down all cheaters I will be doing other things too.Missing persons,insurance fraud,Mystery shopping.There is proably a lot more out there.I dont know the licensing laws in Ohio but in Ca we have put in a certain amount of hours before we can get our license.Thats fine we me.i have nothing but time.Its just my son and I, and we fight over the computer.So the more I get to use it the faster I'll assignments.So there i go again,long winded.But sure you can come work for me.I hope you take orders real good.

[Viki Hostek]

Eric,wait one more thing .The one thing I'm positive I'll never try is a Bounty Hunter.No they can just stay free,

[Eric Stone]

Viki
i helped do a hunt one time... never again! that sucked. and all i did was lookout. mystery shopping seems to be an area that a lot of people are getting into. never done it myself but how hard could it be? do you have much experience in it?

Eric
ps. don't worry about being 'long winded'. you say what you have to say.

[Viki Hostek]

Hi Eric. Did you go on a hunt for a big buck? I've never done mystery shopping but I know its becoming very popular. From what I've read companies are using mystery shoppers for theft as well as customer service. Depending where you live you can make good money at it. I doubt if I would want to make a career of it. But I do know companies would rather hire a P.I. trainee. How's the weather there?

[Eric Stone]

nope, the guy i helped was going after a small fry. i didn't even get to see what was going on. my friend was a friend of his so i volunteered to help, i was in highschool at the time so you can imagine.

the overcast here is so bad that my cellphone is feeling it. it's rained the past few days. i don't mind it though.

[Viki Hostek]

Hey Eric. So this friend was a Bounty Hunter? I can't imagine that he would involve high school kids??? Have you seen that new reality TV show with the bounty hunters? What a rough bunch. Yeah I'd fit right in with that group.

[Eric Stone]

like i said, the guy he was going after was far from dangerous, me and my friend were the only kids there, and the bounty hunter had us "patroling the block for suspicious activity" aka. "you kids just stay out of the way." we thought he was the coolest thing since candy apple red paint. we never did see who he picked up. my friend said the hunter was a friend of his, but i think he was actually a friend of my friend's dad. needless to say we didn't see any supicious activity, or the grab for that matter, from a block away. did i mention it was cold outside? :)

i've heard of Dog the Bounty Hunter; i'm not sure what to make of him. i'm convinced that hunting takes a hard core person who doesn't mind the abuse. i'm not that guy. i've heard enough stories to know it isn't the business for me.

Eric

[Cheryl Gipfel -]

Eric,

I am right with you when it comes to Bounty Hunting - I am too chicken for that. :o

Looks exciting on TV, but then again so does the Reality Shows and I know I could not swallow the stuff they dish out. ;)

MONK on the USA Channel is more my speed.

Cheryl

[Viki Hostek]

There's much more to this business than Bounty hunting.At least you can say you kind of experienced it once. Your specialty might just be catching those cheaters. It pays big bucks. I think it would it be quick too. People that have been having an affair get comfortable and easy to catch off guard. Or you could insurance fraud. Have you read the forums about insurance fraud? It's really interesting. Well I gotta go , I had a big day. I ran over my garbage can in the driveway, then found a dead bird,(luckily the neighbors can ran away with it) went to the groomers with my Mom to have her cats toenails cut then off to the movies. You see I really need to get a life. Thats why this P.I. work will be good for me. Bye Bye

[Cheryl Gipfel -]

Viki,

I would love to catch those folks we are on disability, especially those that blatantly advertise it.

The show "Worlds's Craziest Video's" usually has a piece about insurance fraud all the time. A guy is walking into his doctors office, with crutches and neck brace, next segment the video shows the guy getting to his car, removes his crutches and neck brace to throw them in the trunk. What a thrill it would be to catch someone like that.

Just my two cents worth. (did you ever wonder why the cent sign is not on the http://www.gifs.net/animate/typmov2.gif keyboard?)

Cheryl

[Viki Hostek]

No Cheryl I'm afraid I haven't gotten that far yet.I've been too busy reading all the forums. Have you gone into the one yet about the brain teasers and found the drivers license web site? For laughs try to find it. Go into active forums at the top of the page then scroll down to games, brain teasers.

[Cheryl Gipfel -]

Viki,

The 'brain teasers' forum is one of my favorites. Yes, I fell for the drivers license -- so I sent it to my friends. :)

Cheryl

[Viki Hostek]

Hey Eric. What's new? I want to send you my email address because I have a cousin in Ohio who may want to get into the P.I. business ,but I dont know how to send it hidden. You how you click onto it. Well if you know what I'm talking about explain it to me. Have a nice day.

[Jessica Rose O'Bryan -]

Free propaganda for the PI industry! I wonder what percentage of PI cases are concerning spouse troubles. Does anyone know?